Stephen King: The Rabbi Man Eating Dog

Wednesday, April 27, 2022 11:14:33 AM

Stephen King: The Rabbi Man Eating Dog



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Guard: Your kids are brats, Prince Charles! Get out! Prince Charles: I'll have your heads for this! Guard: Who died and made you king? Prince Charles: sniffing Nobody. Jay: Could this possibly be any more disgusting? Duke: You should see the muffin shooter. Sean Connery's dad: So when are you gonna settle down with that nice Miss Moneypenny? Sean Connery: For the last time, dad, it's just a bloody movie!

Sean Connery's mom: Pipe down, and eat your haggis! Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and I want you to put this little girl in your school pronto! Jordell: Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Leghorn, but we don't have an opening. Jay: You know what he's saying, Duke? He's saying that you can't get the daughter of the assistant to one of your most expendable employees into this preschool. Duke: Is that a compliment or an insult? Jay: An insult. Duke: [Mr. Jordell] I've never been so insulted in my life! Kid: D. Bond: Well darling, thanks to my efforts, Blofeld's army will now admit homosexuals, the blind, and midgets.

Bond: Uh, Mr. Bond is next door. Assassin: Oh, silly me. Woman in audience : Not yet, Brad's tying his shoe! Brad : Okay. From Chunk to Hunk. Speed 3: Speed Reading. Jay: That wasn't a clip, that was the entire movie. Camp leader: Sound off. Children: moaning while their heads spin around Camp leader: Sound off. Jay: During his review of The Cockroach King The only good thing about this film is the edible chocolate roaches they gave out.

Eats one Mm-mmm! The "chocolate" roaches suddenly crawl away Jay: Wait a minute Edible roaches don't crawl! Jay: Although they did give me these edible chocolate spiders! T: I pity da fool who messes with the J team! Duke: I'm cool, I'm cool. Dukey Duke don't diss a man when he's chillin' with his homies! Penny: Mama, I'm scared of Peter Pan! Alice: We all are, honey. Duke : Jay, I want a word with you. Jay : Oh, this is embarrassing enough. Couldn't you speak to me face to face? Duke : Doris? Doris draws a crude cartoon on Jay's butt. A photographer enters Photographer : Mr. Sherman, I'm here for your publicity photo? Takes a photo of Jay's butt focused on the cartoon Photographer : Gotta go! And wipe that silly smile off your face!

Jay shuffles so the cartoon's frowning You have to lose weight. Jay : Have you ever considered that you might have cheap, shoddy floors? Duke : Hey, Rush Limbaugh's three floors up, and he hasn't had any problems! Floors crack, one after another, and Limbaugh screams as he keeps falling until he smashes Jay and both fall further Jay : Hey Rush, race you to the lobby! Limbaugh : I accept your challenge, liberal creampuff! Liberal creampuff!

Cue more floor cracking. Bill Clinton : In order to keep America strong, we must keep America fit. That's why I- Aide : Sir, your lunch is here. Bill Clinton : Thank you, George. Principal Mangosuthu : I'm sure we all appreciate president's Clinton's ground-breaking message. All the Duke's Men. Jay accompanies Marty to his school, and asks Doris to make him presentable.

Instead, she paints "I love farm animals" on the back of his head. When he gets to school, all the kids are making animal noises to him, including Principal Mangosuthu. Jay: Principal Mangosuthu, do you know what's gotten into these kids? Principal Mangosuthu: I have no idea. Jeremy: My name's Monroe. James Monroe. And here's a taste of The Monroe Doctrine. Bond Girl : Oh, James! Duke: Volume one, Pressed Ham , is free for 30 days. Jay: And the cover's made of pressed ham! Duke: No, it's not! Jay: Oh Jay: It's a giant horse's ass!

Give us ten minutes, we'll give you an ass. Jay : And nothing of value was lost! Eleanor: Jay, sit on my lap. Jay: But it's so comfortable. Duke: This may hurt us more than it helps us. Female Reporter: Welcome to Decision ' It's eighteen months 'til the election and tonight we'll focus on the Vice Presidential candidates. Since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be inserting clips from Baywatch. Woman: Help, help! An octopus stole my bikini top! Mitch: I'll get it, but first, I better put on my octopus repellent. Perot: If we don't deliver this pizza in thirty minutes, it's free!

What's the hold-up? Stockdale: Grrrrridlock! Male Reporter: Mr. Phillips, what do you say to those who claim this marriage is just an outrageous publicity stunt? Male Reporter: robotically How may I serve you, evil one? Jay: Listen Duke, I'm starting to have my doubts about this whole campaign. The phony June Lockhart wedding, the unmotivated Irish bashing, your use of the eeeeeevil eeeeye Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind.

First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese. Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback. Duke: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about! California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. Good night. Jay: Well, that's our show for tonight, folks.

We didn't review many movies, but tune in next week when we have Gentle Ben maul Newt Gingrich. Good night, everybody! Sherman of Arabia. So I got you a new rookie fresh from the academy. Rookie: Hi. Explodes Callahan: That's a new one on me. Police Chief: Alright, Callahan, I've got some new partners for you: a woman, a cute little kid , an ugly old dog , a dinosaur , and a leprechaun. Leprechaun: I'll be your lucky charm! Callahan: Now look, you don't like me and I don't like you. But we're in this together. Any questions? Kid: Can I go potty?

Callahan: For the last time, no! Arnold: You think you've got problems? I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, Siamese twins, a sofa, and a second-rate mime. Mime: Hey, I'm stuck in a box! I can't get- Explodes. Announcer: This, is PNN. Duke chuckles. Duke: Sorting through his mail Junk mail, junk mail, junk mail, rat from Jay. Chopper's pilot: I don't get it, this thing's supposed to lift a tank. Jay: Could you speak a little louder? I think a couple of guys in Jordan didn't hear you! Off-screen voice: Yes, we did! Jay: "There's going to be a really bitchin' kegger at Captain Rahim's tent!

Jay: "Dear Urkel , you are so funny. Can you come to my birthday party? Your friend, Captain Rahim. Jay: "Single Arabic Captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and long walks on the beach. Captain Rahim chokes Jay Homer Simpson-style. Franklin: Now, I've given money to the Republican Party for years and I never asked for anything in return. Bush: You asked to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies. Franklin: forcefully I didn't ask to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies. The balloon doggies demanded it! Riddle Master: Before you pass, you must answer the Riddle of the Sphinx; Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? Cut to later, as the Riddlemaster pulls a paper cup out of the Sphinx's nose and reads it.

Riddle Master: Angrily crushes the cup Okay, okay okay, one more. Jay: Elvis Parsley. Riddle Master: I also would have accepted " Fred Asparagus ". Riddle Master: Sadly I'm so lonely. Frankie and Ellie Get Lost. An old 's newsreel is shown at Frank and Eleanor's anniversary. One of the clips involves Frank, Ted Kennedy, and Albert Einstein: Narrator: Franklin, a Rhodes scholar who's never had a drink in his life, samples the punch whipped up by young Ted Kennedy. Franklin drinks it and immediately drops to the floor, spinning around and around Ted Kennedy: Shut up, you chowderhead. Ted rips a lock of Einstein's hair out; Einstein retaliates by throwing a pie at Ted, but missing and hitting Eleanor Roosevelt. Eleanor Roosevelt: Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery— Lawyer: Mr. Welles, this is a video will. Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this, I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour. Walks away but then comes back Oh what the hell, I need the money. Lawyer: Mr. Welles: Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you Laughs evilly. Welles: And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs.

Lawyer: Off-screen This isn't a commercial. Welles: I know , that was just a declaration of love. Eats one Yes. Oh, yes! They're even better raw! Welles: Yes, they're alive. But I have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's fishsticks! They're even better when you're dead! Costner suddenly falls, and the weight of the three causes his back to break Luciano Pavarotti: Boy, this guy can't carry a tune. All three tenors laugh Luciano Pavarotti: seriously Hey fellas, lays handkerchief on Costner's face I think he's dead. All three tenors laugh. Franklin: A penguin! Grabs bottle of Johnny Swagger brand alcohol And he's been drinking!

Penguins can't fly! Plane goes down. Franklin: Help! Our plane's going down, and our pilot's a penguin! Penguin: Wak-wak-wak! Humphrey: who is smoking a cigarette Hey kids, have you been smokin' like I asked you to? Little girl: with a really hoarse voice, provided by Doris Grau Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day! Kids: Yaaaaaaay! Jay: That's it! I'm shutting this place down! Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex? Jay: You're a bad man. Executive: Hey, if it's a crime to encourage children to smoke and have sex, then lock me up. Gilligan Cut to him locked up in the back of a police van Executive: dejected I need a hug. Alice: Jay, where'd you park? Jay: I left my car with the valet.

Alice: There's no valet! Jay: D'OH! Jay: Hello, Duke Duke: What are you dressed as? The Bald Gay Man? Jay: Sarcastically Yes, that's it. The Bald Gay Man. Duke: Attention everybody! We have a winner for the best costume. Jay Sherman as the Bald Gay Man! All you other Bald Gay Men can go home! Cue several actual bald, gay men angrily murmuring as they storm off, one of whom is Harvey Fierstein.

Franklin: Da-rinkin'! Franklin hoots and hollers while jumping erratically Eleanor: Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral. Randa: I'm so exhausted! Today I had to deliver a mattress to Madonna! Then another one! He has been mixing NyQuil and DayQuil. Jay: Duke, this is crazy. She's not from the South. Doris: I'm from Alabama. Duke: Mobile? Doris: Just barely. Doris: I told you, I'm from Alabama.

Duke: Tuscaloosa? Doris: No, I use Denture Grip. Duke: Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck. Doris: dully annoyed Good one, Duke. Jay : Oh hide me! I'm being chased by three bears! Don't ask questions! The Rabbi P. So here it is! The webisodes. In the first webisode, Jay recalls how, between his stint on Fox and this episode, he was briefly Regis Philbin's co-host on Regis and Kathie Lee.

Regis: You call that a sidekick? I wanted a middle-aged woman with big knobs! Swanbeck: Mister Hunt, your mission is to find a deadly virus while engaging in a maximum of daring-do. Can I have my money now? Hunt: No. Swanbeck: To help you, I'm assigning you three partners who will sit around Can I have my money NOW? Hunt: No! Pikachu : in lower voice So Jay: You know, it was in a drive-in like this in the Summer of '72 that I had my first glorious experience with a jumbo size bucket of popcorn.

The whole this was over in 2 minutes. Spike Lee: Fight the power, my brothers. And check out Bamboozled , now available on home video Jay: "I see dead people"; are we supposed to believe that? Jay: Yes! John Wayne: Yeah, but then you gotta listen to her. Jay: Tonight, we pay tribute to the Oscars, a spectacle based on the fallacious premise that each year Hollywood has a best picture. Who could forget films like Raging Bull , E. T , or Citizen Kane? The Oscars, that's who! They all lost, but let's look at some of the crap that won—like Out of Africa. Jay: annoyed What do you want?

It's the internet; we've got no budget! Terry : I coulda been somebody. I Coulda Been a Contender! Instead, I'm gonna make a lot of bad movies, then have a comeback in The '70s , and let an Indian accept my award. Then I'll make more bad movies, and get really fat, and kiss Larry King on the mouth. Staples does an excellent job in drawing a guilty sensation from the audience, which is important when gaining an emotion response. He accomplishes a rhetorical goal by pulling emotion from his audience. He makes the audience see from his level that racism still exists whether society chooses to believe it or. Kate Chopin and Roald Dahl both use irony as well as similar themes of betrayal and heartbreak to motion their two very different storylines forward.

Though the works take place in antithetical eras, each holds a similar calamity that results in the breaking up of the protagonists and soon to be antagonists. These moments of heartache hold relevance due to their unfortunate relatableness in today 's society. Both narratives bear a conspicuous similarity using irony. The ghost of Beloved in Beloved uses her supernatural abilities to sexually exploit and emasculate Paul D.

The characters in each novel abuse their power to regain their own dignity and sense of self, both believing their actions are helpful rather than degrading. Morrison and Atwood create hierarchical abuses of power to expose the weight of gender roles in times of conflict and to reveal how society shapes identity and identity shapes actions, which therefore upholds unfair and unbalanced power structures. Even the woman Minny worked for was being ignored because of who she married. The problem is more than race, it is about how humans treat other humans and how little respect we give to those we deem lower than us.

The author used the characters to show that the desire to be superior among others goes further than race. She also used a real tragedy, the murder of the NAACP Field Secretary, which allows readers to connect the novel to real life and making the novel more compelling. Tragedy is intended to make catharsis by making the listeners sympathize with the tragic hero. Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near.

John to the seven churches that are in Asia: Grace to you and peace from him who is and who was and who is to come, and from the seven spirits who are before his throne, and from Jesus Christ the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of kings on earth. To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. Then the disciples went back to their homes. But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb.

And she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. Then they led Jesus from the house of Caiaphas to the governor's headquarters. It was early morning. They themselves did not enter the governor's headquarters, so that they would not be defiled, but could eat the Passover. Six days before the Passover, Jesus therefore came to Bethany, where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they gave a dinner for him there.

Martha served, and Lazarus was one of those reclining with him at table. Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill.

It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it. As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world. You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

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